Okay, not literally, but figuratively
As we move through this experience, I'm learning to do things differently. I'm learning to coach, versus teach; say "I love you" more, and "I'm sorry" less; focus on the most important things in life versus the most frequent and in general, change the way I do things.
And it's not because I'm afraid I might die, in fact, the exact opposite. It's because I know I'm going to live, and I do not want to waste anymore time living the the unimportant things.
My daughter will leave for college in less than a year, and I want to make these next 9 months pleasant, memorable, and a continuation of trying to set a good example of what living a life of faith and love is all about. There is nothing like time on your hands to make you see clearly the things that life is not about; even when you thought you had it all down already.
Leave it to God to show you when you're not so wrapped up in a bow as you thought you were. I'm more of a gift bag.
Sitting still used to be something I was good at. In fact, you might say I had perfected the art. I would relax by sitting and reading, doing Sudoku or watching a good movie, or TV. Today, it's just the opposite. One of the side effects I'm having is dehydration, which, among other things, causes "fussiness" (Mayo Clinic's word, not mine, but I do so love that word!) So sitting still is a challenge, even to write a blog.
Here's how it works...
Chemo day, feeling okay after chemo, able to be semi-normal but waiting for the next thing. C+1, tired, tired, tired. The anti-nausea drugs and onset of dehydration make me sleepy. So, I sleep. And all the sleeping contributes to the "fussiness" that creeps in a day or two later. So I'm learning that, just because I'm sleepy, just because I'm trying to "relax", doesn't mean I should sit, rest or sleep. It means I should get up and get moving... and generate energy. Learning.
Qi Gong is my new attempt at "relaxing" while moving. I "stumbled" on the PBS episode of Qi Gong for beginners and found it amazingly relaxing while moving, so I take it as a sign of a need to re-learn how to relax. I've order a DVD so I can learn Qi Gong and learn to relax while moving.
And then there's the little things. Prior to the last few years, my life was like my favorite spot on the north shore, comprised of so many little rocks, but relatively few "big" boulders. Miles of round smooth rocks, so beautiful, so relaxing to skip across the smooth water, but rocks none the less. Battered and beaten to perfectly smooth replicas of each other, each little rock shows the signs of having been tossed over and over again, and washed up on the shore. That's what life was, tossing the same little rock again and again until it's rounded smooth perfection of ill-fated repetition. Always focusing on the little things when there were beautiful big bolders to be climbed and admired and focused on.
I so worried that I would "do it wrong" that I was destined to get it wrong. That doesn't mean I didn't get somethings right. I once wrote about being a parent, "No matter how bad I mess things up, because I love unconditionally, I'm bound to get something right." And loving my daughter unconditionally is definitely something I got right. But while loving, I often focused on the wrong things and there are times when I set the wrong tone for what were "big boulders" and what are rocks.
So for the record, time spent with family, that's a big boulder. Time spent getting to know your aging parents and learn their history, that's a big boulder. Time spent on faith, that's a big boulder. Career, stress, housecleaning and anything that's about making an impression and not making a life -those are the rocks. And it's time for me to stop tossing rocks and start focusing on the boulders that make life worth living.
So next time I go to the north shore, I will walk along the shore with the warm round rocks under my feet, and I will head straight for the big boulders and enjoy the sound of the water and the voice of my daughter.
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