It has been over 6 years since I started this blog about my journey with breast cancer, and 2 years since I last posted. I have cleared all my oncology check-ins, and achieved my goals of walking in the Komen 3 day and I now volunteer weekly with cancer patients.
In the 5 years since my final surgery, life has moved on and I have moved on with it...mostly.
I have struggled with holding onto all the "mementos" of that experience. Holding onto the medical records and notes on my diagnosis and treatment might be justifiable, but I have held on to every card, every letter, every gift that I received during that time. They are reminders of the immense kindness of friends, co-workers and even people who I had never met but who still reached out with words of encouragement and love.
I have the luminaries that my daughter made for each year she and I participated in the Relay for Life. I have pins, shoelaces and bracelets handed out on the 3-day walk, and the 3 pair of tennis shoes that got me through over 700 miles of training. I have every hat and scarf that was given as a gift so my bald little head wouldn't be cold but instead would be adorned with beauty, and sometimes even humor - as was the case with the "I'm too sexy for my hair" cap given by my friend who was also going through chemo. And I have every "fight like a girl", "don't let cancer steal 2nd base", "breast cancer warrior" and "survivor" shirt I was ever given.
In some dark part of my mind, I know I have been worried about putting those things in the past. It feels "risky" - like I am tempting the cancer demons to reappear.
But I've reached a turning point, a time beyond fear. A time to move forward and create change for the better. I'm simplifying my life, and simplifying means reducing my possessions and increasing my experiences.
So tonight, I read - for one last time- each and every letter, card and note that you sent. And it moved me to tears. Tears of gratitude and humility and awe. It truly amazes me the outpouring of support that was provided to my daughter and my father and to me. Words can never express how much your thoughtfulness has meant. In re-reading your words, I know that I do not need a piece of paper, or a t-shirt, a bracelet, or hat or scarf to remember each one of you. You are in my heart and in my mind, indelibly written there for all time.
There is little chance that anyone is following this blog anymore, so I acknowledge that I am writing this post mostly for myself. It is my commencement, my new beginning; and as I forge this new path, I carry the imprint you've left on me.
Tonight, for the first time in 6 years, the basket that has sat on the hearth, filled with your words and well wishes, is no longer there. The hearth is empty, but the heart is full.
Sending out my love to each and every one of you.
-bb
