I'm all cancered out. It's probably why I'm having a bit of a dry spell in writing on my blog. As it says at the top of the page, this blog is about "me, my life and my relationship with breast cancer", but over the last months it's been primarily about my relationship with breast cancer. And now... well, I'm all cancered out. My hope is that cancer is all "barbed" out too.
Seven months is a long time to have most of your day spent thinking about, dealing with and planning for cancer-related things. I'm so past ready to move on. Mentally, I'm so cancered out - but physically, well, the body isn't keeping up with the brain on this one.
When cancer hit, it was the other way around... my body was moving ahead of my brain. My body had cancer before my brain knew it did. My body had to go through surgery and chemo before my brain had fully accepted or comprehended exactly what was about to happen. Now, my brain is moving on, but my body is lagging behind. My body has a PET scan to get through, a preemptive hysterectomy to get through, a reconstructive surgery (or 3) to get through. My body is not yet done, but my brain is moving on.
It's thinking about how I'm going to apply to my daily life all those things I learned about being healthier, eating better, exercising more and managing how I respond to stressful situations, even if I can't prevent them from occurring. It's thinking about all the things that need to get done and wishing my body were able to start doing some of them. It's looking to the future and envisioning a time where cancer isn't part of my daily language.
In other words, it's trying to get back to normal, but a new normal - where, instead of going back to the way things were, we go forward to the way things need to be. Healthier, more balanced, and aware of, but not in fear of, the realities of cancer.
And it's making lists.
Lists of things that need fixing and improving around my house, which has been sorely neglected for a few years.
Lists of things that need to be prepared for my daughter's graduation, and for college in the fall.
Lists of things I'd like to accomplish - I've spent a lot of time thinking about things that I'd like to accomplish, like writing a book, and spending more time on volunteer activities, maybe even continuing my education, but definitely living a simpler life.
But for now its time for patience. Patience with my body while it catches up to my brain in its recovery. Patience in wanting to check things off my lists, but accepting that there is plenty of time for working the list once I've recovered more fully. Patience with wanting to be done with cancer, but knowing there's still a bit of a road to go.
Cancer has forever changed me and the way I look at life and myself, and I hope what I've gone through and learned will continue to influence my actions and goals in a positive way.
But frankly - I'm all cancered out.
