Those of you that know me, know that I tend to analyze pretty much everything in my life, myself included. When you throw cancer into that mix you get a lot of introspection. I've always been a believer that we are the sum of our actions, not our beliefs. Believe all you want that you are a good person, but if you act like a heel, then you're a heel. And I believe that no matter how hard we try, and I've tried really hard in my life, we cannot control what happens; but we can choose how we respond to the things that happen in our lives.
And I believe that I am living the life I've chosen to live, not the one that "fate" threw at me.
I know there are things I wanted to do, which I haven't done yet, like go back to school, and write a book; but I believe I am doing what I was intended to do now, at this time in my life. And there is still time to do those things that I want to do, if I chose to make them a priority.
When I first graduated college I was going to teach, and I did for awhile. But I made a choice to move back to Minnesota from Colorado and to live in the Twin Cities, where teaching jobs were scarce. So I ended up back in retail part-time while I did substitute teaching; and part-time led to full-time and full-time eventually led to where I am today. I could look at my life and say, if only the economy had been better, I'd still be teaching, but the reality is, I made a choice. And it turns out it was a good choice; one that has allowed me to provide for myself and my daughter and for a while, when things were really tough, for my parents. Taking care of those I love is more important to me than anything else.
Once, when I was younger, I made a bunch of poor choices about money, and ended up greatly in debt. And then I lost my job. I didn't chose to lose my job, but I did realize that I could chose to look at it as an opportunity to find better employment. And the reality is that losing my job helped me find myself. In having to "sell" my worth to prospective employers, I had to find worth in myself which I had never been able to see before. In time, that grew into being content with who I was, and eventually even happy with who I was and where I was headed in life.
I can honestly say I don't regret any of the decisions I have made in my life, and when asked what I would change, the answer is "nothing." I don't believe in regret, I believe in learning. Which is not to say that I'm not remorseful for the times when my words or actions have hurt someone else, but still I would not change my past. Understanding that actions can be hurtful has taught me the importance of saying "I'm sorry" and accepting responsibility for the mistakes I make. Whether they were right or wrong, I've learned from the decisions I've made and what I've learned has influenced my life and my future choices.
Our decisions are like our DNA, they create a string, a sequence that defines who we are. They tell the story of our life and if we were to go back in time and change one of those decisions, we would change the person we've become. Denying that our decisions were our own is like denying our DNA. Instead of wishing that we could change our decisions, or blaming someone else when we don't like the outcome of those decisions, we need to accept responsibility for and learn from our decisions.
When something bad happens in our life, we can choose to wallow in the unfortunate circumstance allowing our selves to become victim or we can choose to focus on what we are going to do to improve our circumstance, allowing ourselves to become victor.
There are two kinds of people in this world, those that believe the world happens to them and who believe their choices play only a small part in the life they live; and those who believe they happen to the world - that they can in fact affect the world, not control it, but influence it.
Which brings me to this: If you're not living the life you wanted, then how come your actions led you here?
If you're wanting something different out of life, you need to do something different with your life and your decisions. If you're not living the life you want, it's because you have prioritized something above those things that you believe you want. Perhaps you've made a choice to raise a family, and that means you put off your desire to be a rock star. Then you've prioritized raising a family over rising to fame, and that's okay. It's not that you "can't" pursue your dream, it's that your real dream has changed, at least temporarily. It's not that you "have to be responsible" - you don't, unless you chose to. No body makes your decisions for you, and that's the cool thing about free will. We all get to chose.
I believe God has a plan for me, and if I ask for His will to be done in my life, it will. And I will still make decisions that take me in the wrong direction, because I'm human and I have free will; but I will continue to ask for God's guidance and I know that when I prioritize God's will above my own, I am choosing to live the life I'm intended to live.
