After 3 years of absolute chaos, I think I've hit the wall.
I'm tired and emotionally exhausted.
You know you are hitting the wall when you are watching tv and start crying over commercials and someone's singing.
What I don't know is whether I've hit this point because of the drugs I'm on, or simply because I'm human and at some point, enough is enough.
The good news is, the wall isn't hitting back.
Today wasn't an exceptional day. Nothing really went wrong, nor did it really go well. It just was. But still, I walked in the door, got the dog her dinner and then proceeded to completely fall apart. Maybe it's because there's nothing in the fridge for dinner. Maybe it's because I don't feel like getting on the treadmill, even though I know I should. Maybe it's nothing at all.
What I do know, what I have learned this past year, is that you need to let yourself feel what you are feeling if you have any hope at all of moving forward. You don't have to know why you are feeling a certain way to let yourself experience it. You just need to feel it, and then make a conscious choice to move forward; to move beyond the feelings that bring you down and onto the feelings that raise you up.
I'm not clueless about the stress of the last 3 years. Between my parent's health issues, my mother's death, my cancer and the health and relationship issues of others that I love and care about deeply, it's been a lot. But I'm also not foolish enough to forget that there are so many people that have it so much worse. I'm not foolish enough to ignore how unbelievably blessed I am and how lucky I am to have the relationships and the love I have in my life; how very fortunate I am to have a safe and warm place to live, the comforts of a secure job, and the advantages of a good education.
So when I hit the wall, I just count the bricks - the building blocks that are my life, my faith, my family, my friends; and I let them give me the strength I need to move beyond.
Barb, thanks for writing this. As you know, I lost my sister a few months ago. My mom died of pancreatic cancer in Jan 2011,and my dad's been gone since 1996.. We sold the house we grew up in last year, and the new owners tore it down to build a new one. So much loss in a short period of time. I've been having a lot of days like you describe,,,nothing really wrong or right about them...they just are. I've had the last 9 days off from work. I'd planned on getting a lot done around the house--the stuff that hasn't been done for 2 yrs or more. Instead I've been reading, relaxing and just kind of frittering my days away....and of course, feeling guilty about it. Maybe I've just hit my pause button. Maybe it's OK and normal that I took this time to grieve and got "nothing" accomplished. I, too am blessed with much in this life...and will be counting my bricks today! Sara Kiley
ReplyDeleteSara - I'm glad you are taking time to just relax. You've had a lot of loss in a short period of time, my thoughts are with you.
DeleteBarb ...Beautifully and perfectly said!
ReplyDeleteTo you and Sara... We all do finally hit that brick wall and its a very scary place to be but a blessing also. This is the beginning of letting your walls down and beginning to heal yourself. You have been on high speed for so long and our minds and bodies have a way to protect us and get us through what we need to get through. This is the start of a new chapter, a stronger, healthier, happier one. There will be other moments so when they come realize that it's ok to stop and slow down and relax and remember. Remembering is what helps us heal also. Love n Hugs to you both. This process goes at different speeds for everyone so take it one day at a time, but know that you are not alone!
~Doreen Clay McGinty