in a rut

It is fair to say that as humans we tend to be creatures of habit. In fact, I'd guess that 80% of my day is a near clone of the day before.  

I get up, say good morning to the dog and start making her breakfast.  I put the dog out and begin making a cup of tea while the dog, done doing what she was sent outside to do, begins her morning ritual of saying good morning to the neighborhood dogs.  I whistle for the dog to come in, she ignores me until she gets at least one responding "woof" from a pal, then she comes in.  I give her her breakfast, grab my cup of tea and go take a shower.  I get dressed and begin the process of covering up the dark circles under my eyes with what can only be called skin-toned putty.   If I'm lucky, I remember to dab on a little blush and mascara before the dog starts whining to go back outside.  I let the dog out, make a fresh cup of tea, or coffee if the circles under my eyes are particularly dark.  I put my phone in my bag, whistle for the dog to come in, give her a treat and head out the door.  

I repeat that routine, and many others throughout the day, each and every day.  Occasionally  there's a variation, like I might skip the tea or more likely, the makeup, but for the most part, the routine stays intact.  

And that, my dear ones, is the problem.  

You would think after hitting the land mines I've hit over the last year that a permanent detour would be not only necessary, but easy to find and even easier to take, but that's just not the case.  Despite the rather large impact this past year has had, I trudge right back onto the familiar road, as instinctually as though I were sleep walking.  

Little changes, like waking up each day aware and grateful for another day, have been easy additions to my routine.  But the big changes, the ones I promised myself I would make, the habits I promised myself I would break, those have not been so easy.  

It's hard to change four decades of behavior in 12 months.  I can change them for a day, a week, or even months... but under stress, things just bounce back to where they were like a well trained boomerang.

Stress not only etches lines in our faces, but it etches ruts into our daily life; and bad habits are as difficult to erase as the wrinkles across our face.  But we have a choice about what we let cause us stress and what we chose to let bounce.  And we have a choice about how we handle stress that we can't avoid, like the death of a loved one or the challenges of a serious illness.  Stress is a part of life, and life, when you really live it, has its ups and downs.  And we, we are either on the ride or we are off it.   

This morning I woke up and jumped on the treadmill, something I've been pushing myself to do regularly since my last surgery at the end of January.  Before all the craziness began in January, I was exercising daily, and was up to an hour of walking.  But after these last few months, exercising at night just wasn't working for me.  By the time I get home I'm exhausted (who'd have thought sitting in a chair all day would wear me out!) and when I'm tired it's hard to be motivated to exercise, so I fall back into my old routines.  

I need to change things up.  Since my energy is highest in the morning, I decided I would attempt to get up early and exercise.  I had to find the motivation though, because I know that when the alarm goes off I will want to curl up in my comforter and hit snooze.  So I gave myself a visual to focus on.  

The visual I use is a photo of my daughter with my friend Wendy.  I took the photo last summer, when they were taking senior pictures and I was standing off to the side watching.  It's a candid shot of two of the people who mean the most to me.  When I think of this picture I am reminded how fortunate I am to be here, how easily my path could have followed Wendy's and how we never ever dreamed a year ago that one of us would be gone.  But I am also reminded of the hope for the future that see when I look at my daughter and how I what I want more than anything is to be on this earth long enough to see my daughter grow old, to be there to support her as she raises her family and charts her own path in this world.  I want to be here to cheer her successes, support her in the tough times, and to be an active participant in her life, but I know that won't happen if I don't attend to my health.  And when I fall back on old habits, I'm not attending to my health.  

So I'll push a little harder and a whole lot longer, and I'll do my best to get out of the rut.  And maybe, just maybe, that will mean less wrinkles on my face - and won't that be nice too.