Changing my stripes

Over the years I've had multiple signs, one might even say flashing neon signs, that there were things in my life that needed to change.  When I had health issues nearly 10 years ago, I knew I needed to find more balance in my life, and less stress - or at least better ways of coping with the stress.  After a lengthy hospitalization then, I took time to refocus on the things that were really priorities in my life.  I found a job that would give me better balance between work and home.  I began exercising again.  I let more of the little things bounce off me, and I silently pitied those people that were still getting wound up over the traffic jams, lines at the grocery store or normal mistakes that were made in the course of daily life.  At least for a while.


It didn't take long for me to side back into old patterns.  Somethings stayed - the balance between work and home has been pretty consistent, thanks to some amazing people at work who have been incredibly supportive of my goals.  But somethings slid away - and somethings never really changed.  Habits, especially those that define who we are, are really tough to break.  


In my last post I wrote about independence, and I've known for years I needed to learn to be a little less stubbornly independent, and learn to ask for help, or even just accept it when it was offered; but it seemed each time the opportunity presented itself, I just couldn't change my stripes.


I've known for years I needed to start getting daily exercise, for my physical and mental health.  Each minor ailment that came up over the years was like an additional bulb on the flashing neon sign that said "Start Exercising!"  But I didn't.  


Eat healthier - I mean really, how many food allergies can one person get before they get the message.  Here I had no choice, but should my body have had to wage all out war before I got the message?


And the topper of them all - relinquish control.  


Part of being stubbornly independent is trying to maintain control. Intellectually, I know that control is simply a mirage, a figment of my imagination.  But still, I needed to hang on to the notion that somehow, if only I maintained control, I could manage the outcome of the situation I was in.  Control my actions, control my emotions, control the flow of information, and control the plan.  Ah, yes, "the plan".  


A big part of being "in control" is having a plan, a plan for everything and every contingency that might come up.  Some things are serious (what if my Dad gets sick and I can't be there for him?); but many are superfluous (what are all the routes to work, in case I run into traffic).  Analyzing the situation and having a plan for what to do, no matter how serious or how small the situation, somehow fools me into believing I have the maximum level of control on the outcome.  But the reality is all that analyzing and planning is exhausting, and stressful, and doesn't result in any more control over the situation at all.   But it's part of my stripes, and stripes are hard to change.


Our boldest stripes, our best traits, are those that we build to become the people we want to be, but they often become our greatest achilles heals when we over shoot the goal.  In work and personal life, I've leaned heavily on the ability to analyze situations and find solutions.  The challenge for me is learning to identify and hang on to the positive aspects of how these stripes define who I am and who I want to be, while relinquishing the negative behaviors that cause stress, strain relationships and affect my overall well-being.  The goal is not to become someone new, but to become a better, more balanced version of me, the one I was created to be and the one I can hold onto for all the years to come.    


Balancing.


Balancing being an independent and unique individual with being part of a community of people that depend and support each other.


Balancing being an introvert who recharges by "going within" with getting daily exercise.


Balancing the love of a good chocolate souffle with eating healthy.


Balancing the impulse to analyze every situation with letting go and living, not planning, life.


Balancing being true to myself while changing my stripes.